it's kind of sad if you don't know the meaning...

hey baby,

I am safely at my hometown now. I stepped on the airplane around noon at Bali, got the windowseat but someone has already taken it. I didn't really care, I know how outside looks from a plane, bright blue of space. So I just sat on the aisle seat, and continued reading my new book 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', you should read it too, you'll love it. A group of people came, chattering and arguing about where to sit. They talk in my local language. A language that sounds harsh yet always has hints of sarcastic jokes in it. The poor steward looked helpless yet amused, watching them changing seats and blocking the aisle. In the middle of that 10 minutes chaos, I felt at home already. We landed. Makassar city. I smelled it first before i saw it. Like the smell of sun mixed with pandan leaves and water on asphalt. The new airport took me by surprise. It was new, spacious, white, clean, like a five star hotel. Glad to know my hometown is doing fine. Both my parents picked me up at the airport. They look peaceful and serene. Not as agitated as they usually did. Glad to know my parents are doing fine too. My next stop was directly my grandmother. She looks weaker, but not older. She still gossips excitedly about how her new maid always talk on the phone. She asked me what I wanted to eat. I mention some foods, from the top of my head; chicken smoor, her special fried noodle, fish tomatoes, and santan vegetables. The next day, all those foods arrived at my home. Glad to know her memory and food still as sharp as ever. On that same day, I went to watch the sunset with a friend. Do you know that the sunset here is rated the 3rd most beautiful in the world? The sky will look orange at around 6.00, and then pink at around 6.15, and a hint of turquoise at around 6.20, and then everything turned black, but at least you can always see one star up there. My next favorite thing to do beside driving a car, is washing it. When we were small, our father used to put us in the car, windows up and he'd spray water. We felt like we were below the sea. How simple it was to be amused. Well, hope you are doing well with the heat there. I'll see you when I see you.

my child,

when the world goes fast, slow down.

take a bus instead of taxi. or walk.

take time, wash your dishes.
take time, iron your clothes.

lay down and watch the stars, to feel small.

perform on a stage, to feel big.

climb a mountain, just to see how slow a shooting star is up there.

drive without music.

stop multitasking.

just stop a while.

can you hear it?

"hear what, papa?"

your heartbeat.

is it beating?
are you alive?
are you making moments?
or are you fooled by the concept of time?

can you say it with every beat you found,
"i am alive"
"i am alive"
"i am alive"

things uncaptured by cameras (part 1)

some of you have written nice comments on my Japan photos, probably being 'awed' and perhaps even said how much you want to be in Japan.

Yes, Japan is beautiful, the scenes are clean, very well taken care of, most places look familiar from your Japanese dramas and comics, right?

But when you asked me, "how is Japan?"
I came up with super intelligent comments, like "awesome" or "great" or "woohoo".

truth is, i never know what to say when you ask about Japan, dears.

Even Stephen King, the famous writer who breaths,eats and drinks words, said that the best things could not and should not be described in words. Because words diminish it.

As difficult as it is, I'll try to describe it better here, while I am still in Japan, about some things only to be found in Japan, about personal experiences and happenings, Japanese values and how-to, things a camera can not capture.

-----------------------

Friendship Level
You remember when you took one of those personality tests? when they ask you to mention your own weaknesses and strengths? Are you one of the people who says "I can make friends easily" in the strengths section?

Well, before being too proud about it, try coming here.

It is difficult to make friends here. Why?
Sure, there are those universal limitations that you find in any foreign country that you live in: from language barriers to a simple explanation that it is hard to penetrate any form of established groups.

But Japanese take the making friends issue to a different level. The best way I can explain why, is simply, they have a rather different definition of what friendship is.

Don't get me wrong. They are nice. Extremely nice, in fact. But that is about all you get at first. Nice.

Don't expect that you could always message or call your Japanese friend just for a chit chat. Don't expect you could stop by at their home freely or in short notice. They are simply not used to that or too busy for that. Don't expect them to share as much as you usually do. Even if it is not a secret, anything personal will always be considered personal. Any openness or personal questions will be too blunt for them and they could feel attacked.

But if there is anything I have learned from meeting people from different nationalities, it is just that in the end we are all the same. we laugh and cry for all the same things. you just need to wait and find the right switch (Dhanio, 2008).

Ok, a practical example.

My laboratory is a branch of forestry, around 15 men and only 3 girls. In my description of a 'normal' environment, in this situation, the girls would be extremely close to each other. Probably, we'll have the sisterhood mentality. Like, we should be having our own team in this men world. But the girls in my lab they don't even seem to know about each other so much. They don't have lunch together or hang out together outside school.

It was weird, and in a way, dissappointing.

One weekend last year, we went on a hiking trip. After a whole day of field work, we went to take a bath in the hotspring. I was still unpacking slowly when the other girls were already in the bath, yelling out my name, telling me to hurry join them in the hotspring.

I thought, "what's the rush? I'd prefer taking the bath privately actually". but anyway I went down there to join them.

I opened the door, the three girls were already in the bath, naked, grinning at me. (sorry, no photos of this event).

And as soon as I dipped my naked ass into the hot water, they shot me with questions:

"So, do you have a boyfriend?""What's his name?""where is he from?""I just got engaged. do you want to marry him?" "Is he missing you now?""Why did you breakup with the other one?"

In that hot water, I froze.

After 6 months of meeting them almost everyday, and on those days we just talked about school things, weather and other general news, this??, the bath time??, this is the time they chose to get to know my personal matter ?! They chose my most vulnerable time: without clothes.

While it was an attack for me, that was their comfort zone. They are used to this bath thing. Probably they think, we were already naked anyway, so why not be totally naked about personal things also?

Other international friends have similar experiences to mine, one guy from Germany told me that after 3 months working with a Japanese guy in a same office, the first time the guy asked him a personal question ( which was "where do you live?") was when they went out for a drink and the Japanese guy was drunk.

Am I suggesting you that when you go to Japan and you want to make friends, you should take them to a bath and get drunk?
Well, maybe I am.

"You plan to have sex, but you end up making love"

Just like most anecdotes, we'll start this one with a description of time, place and weather.

It was one Friday night in early summer. The mix of summer night smell and cool breeze of the spring were there.
I turned into one of the small streets in that ancient town of Japan. During the day, this part of the town is a busy shopping street,  filled with youngsters shopping in their big hairs and modern hip clothes. No one would guess how different it could look at night. With all the shops closed and lights are off, all old wooden houses are visible, and you could easily get lost inside these small alleys.
My friends dragged me here,

"let's stop by here a while. live painting. we'll go to our bar after this"  one of them said.
"live painting?" I was not sure what that meant. But before anyone could answer, we were already inside a tiny 'crepes and sweets' shop.

A group of girls and boys wearing mixtures of jeans and Japanese traditional clothes sitting there, sipping beers, eating crepe cakes and smoking. They screamed "welcome!! come, come, upstairs".

Well, surprisingly, "live painting" meant literally live painting.
Around 10 young street artists paint right there, on the second floor of that cake shop, we - guests- watch and the artists would describe their paintings when they are done.

I immediately liked the atmosphere in there. I could not put my finger on what I particularly liked, though. The smell of paint? the colors flying about freely on the walls? how the artists bite their brushes?
When I looked around, it reminded me of scientific poster presentation that I have been to a lot nowadays. 1.5 m x 1 m posters hanging on the walls, people look around to examine the contents, while the publisher/researcher stand beside his/her poster, ready to answer questions from professors and experts.

Art has never been familiar to me, really. My parents are both environmentalists/ scientists, my friends' parents (and now my friends) are into business and money, and my closest friends are usually computer or number minded people.

Yet somehow in Japan, while initially intending to train my scientific mind, I ended up hanging out mainly with street musicians, painters, and performers, and apparently this stimulated a small part in this brain that had never been touched before; art.

I was immediately attracted to one very bright painting. very abstract. I went closer and saw what paint the artist was using.

"acrylic" I read the bottle out loud.

The artist looked up to me and smile "Hi. Nihonjin?" (meaning, "are you Japanese?")

I shook my head and said "Indonesian".

He grinned and said "yes. acrylic. it dries very fast. so I must be fast mixing. You like art?"

"I guess so. But I don't understand it"

"It is not understanding. It is loving. You understand music?" He is acting like a guru now. But I've always enjoyed being a student. I sat next to him while he kept mixing green and white, yellow and white, purple and white.

"I guess so. And I understand words. I like writing." I tried to fill him in on my backgrounds.

"Painting is just like that. Because you love it, no? Because you like the rhythm, the words in the song. You love it so you understand it." Now he is painting a woman with golden bright hair.

"I love it so I understand it?"

"Yes. or illusion of understanding it. but it is just the same. So do you paint?" He cleaned his brushes on the white cloth.

"Nothing as emotional like yours. Lately it is good weather, so I would sit outside usually near the river with my boyfriend and we paint what we see in front of us" My eyes followed his hand movement around the paper. "Sort of like a lousy photograph of where we had been hanging out" I added again, "we did watercolors. but I know no technique whatsoever"

"Technique not necessary. Just paint"

"I see. But, isn't technique important? Sometimes I could see the painting so clear in my head but my technique is so poor that it becomes so different on paper when I am done."

"And you become sad?" he made a sad face.

"Yes. sad" I was amused by his sad face.

"Don't be sad. It is like planning to have sex with someone and then you end up making love"

"What??" I was shocked but extremely amused.

"Yes. Result is different. You planned to playing sex, but you end up falling love.
Or you plan to love, but end up playing sex.
Different result.
But the feeling is still grreeaatt"

We laughed and laughed and laughed.

Somehow I totally understood his explanation.

My girls and I went to the bar after that but I could not wait to go home to loverville to tell that story to my boyfriend.
I told him about the gorgeous acrylic colors, about the unfamiliar yet so comfortable air that I breathed, about the artist's view of point about art, techniques and sex, about how I regret that I did not ask the artist's message of his painting.
As usual, he listens with all his five (or maybe more) senses.
And then he opened a file on his laptop "This painting has a clear message"

"Really?" I thought, the only message I was getting was five naked women in a very bad brothel house?
"You have been watching porn while I went out?" I teased him.
We giggled and he said,
"This is about chinese olympic game. A chinese artist painted it. Look, one American girl, one Russian (on the right), one Chinese (showing her back) and one Japanese (short haired woman on the left). They are playing Mahjong. The small girl standing here is Taiwanese"

"I see. The Taiwanese looks angry at the Chinese. Ready to kill!!" I was very excited with my second art lesson of the day.

"Yeah. And look. They are sort of playing 'strip Mahjong'. America is winning. Russian seems to lose interest on the game. But her right leg is on America, yet left hand is touching the chinese. See?"

"Yeah. The Chinese is loosing, though". I said,

"but she still got her pants. And those three cards, are strong ones in Mahjong. And she might be hiding some cards behind her."

"Hooo...." I stared closer to the screen.

"The Japanese is losing," he continued  "but pretends that she is winning with her happy face"

We giggled at the always-happy-face Japanese.

"Hoo.. this is nice" I was so thrilled. We opened a can of beer. I sat closer to him and said "and look at the weather outside. A storm is about to come. Or it is the bad air of pollution in China"

"Ah, you, environment girl"

We kept discussing and speculating on the painting for another half an hour. When he went back to his assignments, I kept browsing for other abstract paintings. Trying to understand messages of other paintings. But not all of them are as easy to guess as that Olympic painting.

And suddenly, it dawned on me, what I loved about that small painting gallery on top of the crepe cake shop.
Unlike scientific poster presentation,
in the live painting, not one painting is better than the other.
Not one method is better than the other.
Not one man is more expert than the other.
Each of them has a message or a thousandfold of messages.
It could show someone's whole life. or just one's state of mind in that 2/3 hours of painting.

There was no right or wrong there. No one could come up to the artist and say " You should improve on this aspect or that aspect"

To do that would just imply that the artist should change who he is, what he was, and what he wants to be.

And also it is impossible to point on what to improve, to point out if the painting is nice or awful. You lose any opinion. Because you can't put it into words. It stresses me out, because I love words. I believe that what I can not put into words are not real. But I guess I must admit,

words can NOT handle this.

SPRING

Living with my older brother is one of the most delightful experiences during this 23 years of life.
Well..sure., he does not wash the dishes as often as I would like him to. When we first moved in together, he had divided the tasks:
"ok sis, listen up! we'll get along fine! You'll do the washing, cleaning, and cooking. And....me, I'll wash the car, take out garbage, and I'll do the gardening".

I agreed.
Forgetting that we don't have a car. or even a garden.

But seriously, he takes care of the house remarkably fine.

The real delightful experience is, whenever I come home, in whatever mood I am, I'd opened the door, and he'd be watching The Colbert Report, and he'd be laughing like he just smoked a marijuana.
That crazy hyena-like laughter, always light me up.
I could leave my whole day troubles and tiredness on the doorstep next to my shoes, and enter the house with a smile.

Few days ago, I literally rolled on the floor laughing when I caught him reading The Top 11 Things Geeks Do For Spring Break. Ow yes, he is proud of being a geek. And yes dear, you know you are a geek when you are reading what geeks do for spring break.

Which reminds me,
it's spring!!

The tulip bulb a friend presented on my last birthday is now sprouting. I think I'll spend this spring watching it grows.
I'll definitely be hanging out by the Kamo River a lot.
Maybe get to play twister while having barbecues, or even fishing.
Pack the thick jackets in the closet, watch street performers again, explore Japan again, "ooh"-ing and "aaah"-ing at Sakura trees again.

 

Like my favorite comedian, Ellen Degeneres, said:
" my number 2 favorite "spring-est" thing to do is running through a field of daisies. If you don't have daisies, daffodil flowers will be okay too. If you live in an urban area, just run through the streets. But do it naked. Trust me, springy!
But the number 1 thing to do in spring,.. is to fall in love.
And if you are not in love, I have some advice for you: lower your standards.
....Just fall in love. It's easy. It's in the air.
And,
if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with"

*be the love generation*
R.

.answers.

I still sleep with you every night.
Every night I would close my eyes and pretend I am under you arms like when you were mine.
I must stop this habit one day.

But for this last time, allow me to dream,

about a green hill with fresh smell of grass and the sound of running water everywhere.

I followed the small stream,
and met a girl who sang the blues,

"Could you please sing a happy song?" I asked,
She just turned away and sang the blues again,
"I've looked at life from both sides now. From up and down, and still somehow, it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all"

I frowned and continued to walk,
and met a boy who carried electric guitar, and sang an angry,rude, punk rock song. Yet he sang it with two bright happy eyes.

"Why are you so happy being angry?" I asked,
He just continued singing,
"I'd rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints..."

I laughed and continued following the river downstream,
and met a young man who played piano and sang a song of regret.

"I understand you" I said slowly.
He smiled but did not stop singing "Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Do you gaze at your doorstep, and picture me there? Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again?"

My tears dropped but the birds told me to continue walking,
I then met a man, riding a bicycle round and round, singing about hope.

"When am I a real optimist?" I asked,
He stopped spinning, held my right cheek and sang,
"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you. If you can wait and not be tired by waiting"

I wiped my tears, he took me behind his bicycles to meet a woman who sang with a strong thunder-like voice.

"How did you become so strong?" I asked,
She held my hands and sang,
"One day I woke up and realized, that I did not have to worry if somebody loves me or not.. To the world I am just one, but to one, I am the world.
My heart has been broken so many times, but Mum said, 'honey, let them see the brokenness. Let them see the cracks in your armour.
That is how the light gets out'"

I nodded my head firmly. The stream was getting wider as I walked further down,
and met an old man, his hands shaking from age, singing about the end.

"Am I too young to understand?" I asked,
He closed his eyes and the wind took his words to my ear
"If you aim at nothing, you will keep hitting it. Always dream, but let not the dream be your master. I've lived a life that is full. I've travelled each and every high way. Yes, there were times, I am sure you knew, when I bit off, more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out!"

I shook his hands with respect and hopped my way through, still following the stream.
and met a young man who sang about love.

"How do you know when you really love?" I asked
He kissed my lips and sang,
"She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. She can ruin your faith, with her casual lies. And she only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child. But she is always a woman to me"

I recognized his eyes and whispered in his ears "you are always a man to me too.."

I arrived to the end of the river, which flowed into a bright blue sea. Sun was going down and the sky was pink.
A young man, holding a traditional Japanese three-string guitar, was sitting on the white sands.

"What is this place?" I asked,
His grin turned into a peaceful smile, and he started to sing,
"In this island, in this sky, I was born. How many things do I know about this island? The stars that come out, the clouds that flow, even if you ask me their names,
I would not know the answer......"
he stopped for a second to see my reaction. I decided to smile.
"....but I do feel this island more than anyone. In tears and in laugh, every single time I'd look up to the sky ..., and more than you can find written in any textbooks, you will find a treasure surely hidden in here, and that treasure belongs to all of us, the islanders".

I still sleep with you every night.
Every night I would close my eyes and pretend I am under you arms like when you were mine.

Why must I stop this habit, when it has always given me such beautiful dreams?

---

**Written with compilations of lyrics, poetries and quotes by Joni Mitchell, Billy Joel, Elvis Presley, Rudyard Kippling, Frank Sinatra, Wynonna Judd, Begin. Inspired by you.

Not A New Year Resolution

He gave her a sharp look of judging and patronizing eyes
"How come love is such an easy thing to you?"
He did not give her time to answer "I mean, you can just blurt it out, do you? I am not talking about love to your parents, to your friends.not that. you know, LOVE!! Still, it's amazing how easy for you to say it! to move on to the next one! or even to love two people at the same time! or even five, maybe! I am not like you. For me, there is only one kind of love!"

She put on her coat.

"where are you going? answer me! usually, you love talking" he tried to stop her by adding another insult.

She cursed silently but made sure she slammed the door hard enough.

She walked home, not crying, not angry,
but smiling
because his words only made her remember her kinds of love.

She had experienced a love that started from pure naivety of 14 year old couples, which turned into a neurotic relationship, a love that was an escape, a love that riped their body and trashed their naivety away, a painful hateful breakup, a love where it was not too late even when the "thank you" and "sorry" words only emerged 5 years after.

She had fallen for a love that started from a betrayal, a love that was so cool, so calm, love that was doubted by everyone else but by the two persons involved. A love with a deep breath to let go, to spread their wings and seek more than a highschool love.

She was blessed with a love that started from a friendship. A love full of compassion and support, and flooded with safe feelings under her partner's armpit.  That love was sprinkled with infidelities, forgiveness and bitter lessons. A love where they fight like tigers and then make up like rabbits. Where it felt unbreakable and they were a team.

She had also tried a love which started from cultural curiosity, jammed with differences, yet excelled their maturity. Where the man always hold the doors and they would learn each other's languages and dance waltzes under the snow.

One too many times she experienced a love that started from lust, full fatal attraction, which turned into a fulltime job to turn it into something more meaningful. A fun love. A show of titanic and love boat at the same time. A love with no definite start and end.

She bravely started love from desperation, a love just to get through the winter. It was a love masked with fears of the future and regrets of the past. Sometimes tortured by the feelings of being used, sometimes brought to heaven by bedtime stories of childhood and dreams. A love that they strongly held on while knowing certainly there would be no future.

She sent him a text message
"You are right. There are too many kinds of love for me to explain to you. But don't you dare saying that it is easy for me. I am so sorry for you that you only know one kind of love. Call me when you are ready for me to show you the other many kinds of love i know"

He called back 5 minutes later.

Shame on ME

I complained to everyone that this year I had no Christmas spirit at all,
I blamed Japan for making Christmas so artificial and commercial
I compared everything to how 'better' the Christmases in Europe and Indonesia were.
I nagged about having a class on a Christmas day
I opened news and held an embarrassing breath reading that a landslide had killed 80 people, floods and more floods, photos of 3 years tsunami commemoration and finally I shut the computer down after news of Bhutto's assassination came out;
and opened my textbook again.

I guess I can stop complaining now. My Christmas was better than I deserved.

* be the love generation.

a letter to a bestfriend

hey girl,

i hope you have arrived safely and now baking Christmas cookies with your mum.
Send my best to your parents, anyway...
Also, could you please come back here?
Because spending this holiday without you is going to suck..

I know you are only leaving for few weeks,
but I am already missing our lunch breaks,
our small escapes from the lab to hang out by the river and watch the red leaves.

girl,
i could not tell anyone about how he asked to meet me at 11 last night,
by my favorite bench.
about how i tried not to laugh seeing him in such a romantic mood..
you get it don't you? you know he is not normally that type...
about how the moon was not full and the stars were barely seen,
about how we just sat there, talking and laughing,
until the temperature suddenly dropped,
and we hugged with our thick coats on,
i could not tell anyone about how we look into each others eyes
with those three words unspoken.
and about how he laid like a child in my arms,

we did not discuss what we are and where we are going.
only you could i understand why i did not talk about it, right?
girl, i miss talking to you about these things, you are the only one i know that could appreciate a pointless romance.
who told me that collecting moments is more beautiful than sweet promises of the future.

and yes, maybe it was just last night.
but at least, last night he was mine completely.

i got another moment, girl! yippee.....be happy for me ? :D
and i got the feeling that nothing and no one can erase this wide smile from my face.
at least not today.

come back quick!
take care and miss you...

...Scholarship, Whiskey and God...

Currently, my study is supported by scholarship from a generous Japanese company, but this scholarship will end next April and from there onward, without more scholarship, my parents would be up to their necks, trying to support me and my brother.

So for weeks i have been applying, preparing, interviewing for next year's scholarship. Yesterday, I got the news that I failed the government's scholarship (monbukagakusho), the best scholarship option in Japan. Of course I smiled to my secretary when she gave me that news and I only said "ah zannen, daijobu, mo ikkai ganbarimasu"
("ah it is a pity, but it is okay, I will do my best again for the next time"). 

She still eagerly helping me finding new scholarship information that I just could not show her my disappointment and that I was tired of all those applications.

I went home and told my brother, he could see me holding a map of new applications with dropped shoulders and he gave me a hug. A friend (you know who you are) reached out and pulled me up by saying

“you have come a long way, don’t you dare giving up now!!!”

I could’ve cried but I decided to watch some stand-up comedies on youtube. Hahaha.

So, anyway, I came across Bill Cosby's old shows; he told a funny story about the birth of his first child,
and the part that 'hit' me was when he said he asked to God for standard things for the baby, such as "the gender of the baby or anything else is not important, just health, please"

the punch line was when he regretted that he did not ask for more because the baby was extremely ugly. As in his words when he held the baby for the first time:

“Honey, I think we got a lizard”

Anyhow, my point is that I realize I also don't dare to ask a lot from God.

Don’t worry; I am not preaching here. You all know I am far from what you call 'a good catholic'. I do not take religion and the rules seriously. Some surely think I am a hypocrite for partying until morning on Saturday nights and then go straight to church on Sunday afternoon. (Sometimes still with a hangover). I pray and go to church just because that is what I am familiar with since I was small, just because church is home, church is my grandmother.

I do not believe in the term 'religion', but I do believe in the higher power; that if you do good deeds, you will get that in return; that the 'rule of love' is above all those complicated rules.

But I forgot that God is a generous God, and that when we ask we shall be given.

I don’t know how you guys pray. But my favorite way of asking something from Him (or Her) is by saying

“please just give whatever You think is the best for me”.

In Indonesian term: ‘pasrah’.

Reason being, so many things I saw as a ‘disaster’ in the beginning, turned out to be a part of a beautiful set of plan for us.

But maybe next time, I need to be more specific of what I am asking for.

Because those ‘pasrah’ words also represent my doubts, they represent the feeling that I do not deserve what I truly want.

And damn it, I deserve a scholarship.

Fiuhh, glad I let that out of my chest.

Speaking of God and religion, in Japan I am surrounded with people without religion.

Worse, they are scientists.

One Friday night, accompanied with shots of Whiskey, we talked about it

(see how busy I am??).

Out of 5 people in the room, I am the only one “holding” a religion. They were asking questions about religion and explained that they believe in science, and in themselves. They explained that sometimes they want to have a belief, but it is difficult for them to just start believing in God, or Muhammad, or Buddha, or whatever, when you do not know the teaching and not used to the ways.

I said what I truly trust:

“Ah, WE invented religion, not God. Don’t worry; you do not need religion to believe in something. Anyway, there is a saying that God is Science. So when you are curious about how nature works, maybe you are actually looking for God”

But one guy replied,

“You know, it is easy to say that when we are in happy mood, when we get successful days. But, when things get difficult, and you know you can not do anything about it. You’d wish you had believed in something else other than yourself. You’d wish you had something to hold on to.”

That was a statement I have never heard nor considered before. And I had no reply.

We just took another shot of whiskey. Ha!

Maybe, the next time I meet him, I’ll tell him to “just ask”. If he has a need yet he is not ready to define who his God is, just ask to the universe.

To the trees, or

to the sky, or

to the stars, or maybe

to a birthday candle, or even

to Santa Clause statues in the malls.

We should just ask.

Best Love Poems

Certainly, the list of best love poems & quotes should start with Khalil Gibran’s poem: Love One Another

Love one another, but make not a bond of love

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,

but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone

though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together,

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. 

Let These be Your Desires 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

But if your love and must needs have desires,

Let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook

That sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

And give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer

For the beloved in your heart

And a song of praise upon your lips.

What is the world of literature without Shakespeare? Here is the poem which is quoted so many times quoted in movies, when Gibran’s poems of love are more often directed to ‘how to love’, Shakespeare more than often talks about the loyalty of love between two souls. A trait I long to master.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

The next one is Love’s Philosopy by P.Shelley. Remember that by nature, by whatever greater power you believe, everything seen and unseen came in a pair.

The fountains mingle with the river,

And the rivers with the ocean;

The winds of heaven mix forever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In another's being mingle--

Why not I with thine?

See, the mountains kiss high heaven,

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister flower could be forgiven

If it disdained its brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth,

And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--

What are all these kissings worth,

If thou kiss not me?

To My Future New Boyfriend

To my future new boyfriend

I am going to say ‘I love you too’ soon.

And I am going to say ‘yes’ for your request to a relationship.

But here goes my rules:

Let me have my girlsnights simply because they have kept me strong all this time, way before you came to my life.

Let us (the girls) kiss each other because they taught me the way to kiss that you like so much. When we do it in front of you, do not frown, just laugh with us.

When I accidentally kiss another guy, forgive me.

Let me cook, clean and shop for you. That is my way to differentiate you from other guys that I accidentally kiss.

Let me bring you drinks at your soccer games. If you feel ashamed in front of your friends, you don’t need to kiss me. Just touch my cheek when you say thanks.

Let me have my midnight snacks and don’t worry about my weight. I am exercising when you are not watching.

When I bring my laptop to your place that means two things: I need to do some work yet I need to be near you. Let me put on my earphone, listen to music, work and let me crawl over to your side of the table and kiss you from time to time.

Let me dance.

Help me to stop the disgusting habit of mine, but understand and join me when I say I really need it.

Let me ask you questions about your job and teach me things that you see and learn, because I admire and respect what you do and aspire to do the same.

I do not know how healthy our relationship will be. Because I can already see the end even before we begin, and that scares me. But the truth is, since you have been gone, time has been crawling too slowly. I almost forgot how beautifully torturing being in love can be. You are right; sometimes pain is the only way to know that we are alive. And it is amazing how alive I feel now to be in love again.

So, to my future new boyfriend,

Let me love you.

Listen carefully to the unsaid things.

See my smile and think ‘cute’

See my body and think ‘not bad’

Listen to what I do and think ‘smart’

As the night is fading

See my eyes change.

Think ‘naughty’

As the music is harder

See my moves

See me kissing you

And then the other guy on the next table

You don’t know what to think anymore

Are you disappointed now?

Listen to a story

“It was a Friday night after a super fun karaoke. We ended up in our favorite rock bar. Everyone around me was kissing. I walked to the next table. He said to his friend “kita, kita” (i.e she came, she came). He thought I did not understand but I loved knowing that they had been talking about me. So I talked to his friends but my eyes were fixed on him. I had made my decision that out of three of them, he was the one I want to kiss that night. And I love testing myself. Okay, then, I asked for his cigarettes, he handed me one, lit it for me, and even gave me his glass of beer. He started kissing my hand and his friend laughed and moved away. I sat next to him and we kissed without saying many before that. He cycled me home but we did not go far. The next morning I told him I have to go somewhere early and showed him where to take the bus home. It was not until hours after, that I realized; damn.., he was super handsome. The V shaped body, strong arms and cute smile…”

Listen to another story.

“It was a Friday night after a super fun karaoke. We ended up in our favorite rock bar. Everyone around me was kissing. I walked to the next table. He said to his friend “kita, kita” (i.e she came, she came). He had black painter’s hat, black shirt and silver necklace. His smile was amazing. We ended up kissing but he also continued taking care of his friend who was too drunk to be in the bar. Finally he left earlier. I missed him a bit but had no trouble chatting around with other friends too. We went to eat ramen believing that the grease will absorb the alcohol in our blood. And…guess who came back? He came back, ate half of my ramen but paid for the full portion, and cycled me home. I told him it’s too far to cycle, but he insisted. He also said we don’t need to do anything that I don’t feel like doing. I said thanks. He needed the air conditioner but I was freezing. He wrapped his body around me and we fell asleep. The next day I kissed him good morning and we walked to the bus station talking about school, job and sports. We gave one last grateful smile and waved goodbye..”

Yet when I tell only one, you’ll judge differently.

Listen carefully to the unsaid things before you think you are better.

*be the love generation..*

Oh, come on....

“Ah come on, you are not serious either. For you, this, us, is just a coincidence, a temporary thing.”

She is the kind of girl who would sometimes cry and say she hates this life, but never really means it.

“Oh.., so now you are me?”

He is the man who recovered from a cheating ex-girlfriend within a day, yet still quietly enjoys the hurt of heartbreaking songs.

She could not help but smiling that he did not fall into the trick.

No matter how she has no guts about commitments, she still expected him saying things like ‘of course not, baby, I love you and we will be together forever’

He smiled back. He did not even know that was a tricky question.

“So this is it, then?

He is the kind of guy who hates it when a girl asks if he loves her on the first night, but then annoyed when the girl does not ask.

“I guess so”

She is the kind of girl who does not ask anymore.

“You will not even try?”

He is the kind of guy who would not leave his home country.

“Try and then stop two years later? Why bother”

She is the kind of girl with a dream to go back to her home country

“Go and tell me you don’t love me”

He is the kind of guy who admits many girls love him.

“I don’t. Because it is impossible.”

She is the kind of girl who only wants a realistic love

“Feelings should be let free, you know”

He is the kind of guy who prefers being hurt than lonely.

“True. But do you know what happens when we don’t think and let it be free while we know it is going to end?”

She is the kind of girl who negates everything he said, yet thinking hard about ‘feelings should be let free’

“Baby, I never said two years”

He has the naughtiest left eye and the softest right eye

“You want to try until we are bored, all the fights, the jealousy; you want to go through all that, babe?

She has the i-know-it-all left eye and a right eye full of regret

“Yes. Yes.”

He is the kind of guy who believes that if it feels good, it must be good.

“You are just drunk”

She raised her can

“Probably”

He raised his.

“Cheers, babe”

They are the kind of people who don’t know what love is.

what's your life's large picture?

If you want to be a manager, there is a management school, if you want to be a doctor, go to med school. But the thing with being interested in environment is that there is actually no school for it. How to clean the air? How to keep the ecology? How to reduce global warming? There is no clear department for those. Most probably because nobody really knows how.

We can only study a tiny small part of environment at once. Take my major for instance; Forestry division is a small part of the great school of Agriculture. Inside Forestry, there are soil scientists who deal with soil nutrition; alchemists who deal with pesticides implications; hydrologists who deal with irrigations and river conservations; etc.

Look at it this way, in the beginning of your ‘environmental’ study; you are given a large painting. I'd like to imagine that painting as scenery of green mountains, blue skies, animals, plants, people and their money, politics, and technology ‘living’ together in a harmony.

Yet, every single day you are forced to rip that painting into half, simply because now your painting is 'too' big.

So, one piece becomes two and then four and then sixteen, and so on,

to the smallest piece possible.

At one point, you are forced to choose one small piece and concentrate on that one small piece only. Get to know that piece, the shape, the color, the weight, the ridges, the smell, everything.

Of course this can make you forget the original large painting. Even worse, you could end up having a tunnel vision; a depth of knowledge instead of the width. Unfortunately, this is often inevitable in the world of natural science, you are expected to know exactly what is going on with your ‘small piece’, and this is why it is called an exact science.

Some of us study it for the love of the science, some for the love of the environment. Although that might seem vague, scientists and environmentalists have clear difference in terms of their roles in this world. Natural scientists are not environmentalists, and vice versa. A scientist is there to provide the base of the words that comes out from the mouth of an environmentalist.

I do not want to forget the large painting I was given before. I will share bits of my pieces in any way I can, because 'teaching' is the best way to learn.

I am holding a very important small piece in my hands and so is the person who sits next to me in the classroom, or the person who writes my school books or my teachers or my seniors, or you. I am taking care of my piece and dedicating myself to it, and I know that you are too.

And I hope you and everyone else will be there when it is time to put our pieces together.

the boy

to the boy who smiles with his eyes
the boy who thinks the exam is 'funny' instead of 'difficult'
who automatically takes my heavy bag when he meets me
who wants to be a politician to change education and football system
who takes my picture in front of his entrance
who thinks i am beautiful
who keeps asking for another 300 seconds,
who loves his life.
boy,
do not stop right now.
i need your spirit in my days.

"Untuuung nda jatuh ke atas....

Almarhum Opa tercinta, Frans Rampisela, dulu lebih sering ngasih nasihat dengan perbuatan daripada kata-kata. Tapi ada satu kalimat yang aku ga pernah lupa; pernah suatu hari - lupa waktu umur berapa, pokoknya waktu sy masih cengeng-cengengnya (padahal sampe sekarang juga masih cengeng) - maen kejar-kejaran en jatuh. Naaaa..tarik napas dalam2, siap2 nangis teriak sekencang mungkin,
opa cuma membungkuk sedikit tanpa mengulurkan tangan, malah bilang:
"laah...untung jatuhnya ke bawah, untuung nda jatuh ke atas...."
He?
en aku ga jadi nangis karena bingung.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hari ini hujan gede seharian, agak bagus juga, karena kalo cerah jadi ga bisa duduk tenang belajar. So, walopun semua teman sejurusan udah pada pulang, aku masih semangat nulis report. Terus...tiba2...nemu berita..buruk (!!!)..eh bukan buruk sih.. pokoknya something yang ditakutin akhirnya terjadi... detailnya ga perlu deh ya.. (aku ga cerita jg uda pada ngerti kayaknya... :p ).

Reaksi pertama: melongo.
Terus, di ruangan itu ga ada earlgrey tea en ga ada siapa2, sebentar lagi pasti bercucuran air mata. panik. panik. en defense mechanism ku bekerja otomatis, langsung online nyari orang yg paling sabar mendengarkan celotehku (mas otoy cuma nge-charge Rp10,000 per menit). Tapi dia ga online.
Tapi ada Ana en Malia, teman lesbianku di malam2 sepi... ^ ^
Salah satu dari mereka malah maki2 betapa begonya aku, satunya lagi ingetin aku soal "everything happens for a reason", disuruh ke gym boxing atau lari di tengah hujan (emang film india?) atau minum2....

It's true that nothing beats sisterhood.

All of those words calmed me down.

Daripada minum2, walopun masih hujan gede, i decided it's time to go home and eat something,
lagi jalan turun tangga, kecengan sy nelpon (sowie, bukan cowo jepang, sy menyerah deh sama cowo jepang...), dia nanya ngapain di kampus sampe malam, besok sibuk sampe malam lagi ya? ada waktu utk ngopi sejam aja sore2?

it's true that love is the only medicine for a broken heart.

Setelah selesai nelpon baru sadar kalo hujan udah berhenti, malah bulan en bintang kelihatan jelas. I smiled wider.

Sampe di rumah,  sup kacang merah sama ikan asin udah siap di atas meja (iyah sodara sodari, ada ikan asin di kyoto)... i kissed my mum and smiled wider.

Iya opa, sekarang ri ngerti. Kalo ri jatuhnya ke atas, bisa2 hilang di blackhole di atas sana. Kalo ada hal buruk yg terjadi, ri harus ingat masih bisa terjadi hal yang lebih buruk lagi, dan harus ingat mensyukuri hal2 yang lain.

Pokoknya, selama jatuhnya ke bawah, aku masih bisa berdiri lagi.

Makasih opa sayang, Tuhan-ku sayang, teman2ku tersayang.
Semoga kalian semua kalau jatuh selalu ke bawah. Semoga kalian semua sebahagia saya.

summer night camaraderie

"Nice place, eh? it's very ... 'Bali'!" His eyes were sparkling from under his green hat. She smiled agreeing and looked around, enjoying the smell of incense which fit so well with the humid air.
They rushed to a big wooden chair filled with pillows and fought for the biggest pillows available.
"What are u drinking? I can't drink alcohol tonight"
"No more beers. I'll take cappuccino" She tried to sit comfortably but could not find the space close or far enough from him.
"hot?" he widened his eyes.
She nodded and twisted a teasing smile.
He shook his head not believing anyone would drink hot beverage this time of the year.

They rested their heads on the red-brick wall, both tired from the long week, watching the flickering candles.
"so, tell me. why don't you want a girlfriend right now?" she blurted out
He twitched his lips and threw her a serious look.
She congratulated herself for asking that question in such a casual tone.
"mm..too much restraint.. no time for my own life and friends. Is 'restraint' the correct word?" He reached for his mobile phone to open a dictionary.
"I guess so"

They stared at each other for three full seconds and then looked back to the energetic dance of the candle lights

"and you?" his eyes were still on the candles
"me?" her eyes were also fixated to the candles
"that day, you said you don't want a boyfriend too.." eyes still on the candles
"ah true" she rolled her eyes and laughed "i lied.." still on the candles

They both laughed and sipped their drinks nervously.

She exhaled and said "it's not time yet"

He nodded and leafed through an interior design magazine.
She asked him which style would he want for his own house.
He pointed at one picture and suddenly stood up straight,
"my dream is to have two houses one day. one in here for work. and one near the beach so i can surf"
She laughed, still resting her head on the pile of pillows,
"with the way you work right now, am sure you can do that"
"Ah..Japanese people are always in a rush you know. I am not like that. I hate that"
"Yet.. you want to buy that Lamborghini" she pointed to another picture on another magazine.
"Yes, I want to buy that Lamborghini"

They exchanged looks and laughed, the ice has melted away along with the thick air.

"Here is what I promised you" he handed her a silver bag, inside it, a red yukata with  pink sakura printed on it.
"oh my god. oh my oh my. It's beautiful! You even put the geta in it too!" She was not sure how to react.
"yes, it's a set"
She gave him the are-you-sure-it's-okay look. he gave her the it's-no-problem look.

She landed a kiss on his left cheek. He was caught off guard, she pulled away so quickly.

"Send me a picture once u have tried it on?" he said as they were walking back to the parking lot.
"sure" she nodded excitedly while still hugging her present

"I burnt you this CD. I know it's nothing compared to a yukata.. but the last time in the lounge, u said u liked these songs.." she pulled out a CD from her bag.

"A present for me? Your selections?"
"Yeap"
He tried to catch her eyes, wanted to figure out why she remembered every single words he had said. But her eyes were looking out the window to the scattered fireworks on the hills.

He started the car, played the CD, they exchanged looks and big wide smile once again and glided through the bright night listening to Kylie Minogue going slow.

Never Say Goodbye

BonJovi

As I sit in this smokey room
The night about to end
I pass my time with strangers
But this bottles my only friend

Remember when we used to park
On butler street out in the dark
Remember when we lost the keys
And you lost more than that in my backseat

Remember when we used to talk
About busting out, we'd break their hearts
Together, forever

Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Never say goodbye,
Holdin on, we got to try
Holdin on to never say goodbye

Remember days of skipping school
Racing cars and being cool
With a six pack and the radio
We didn't need no place to go

Remember at the prom that night
You and me we had a fight
But the band they played our favorite song
And I held you in my arms so strong

We danced so close
We danced so slow
And I swore I'd never let you go
Together, forever

I guess you'd say we used to talk
About busting out
We'd break their hearts
Together, forever

seize the second

Working on another rainfall and discharge data on my desk at univ, my ass has been jumping everytime a message came. Could not wait till that day when we can meet again. But what the hell am I doing? I remembered how much I missed my desk in my old office in NL. Someday, I'll miss this desk too.

So I am not going to wait for that uncertain future anymore. I'll seize this second. This second where my senpai is chatting around behind me, the coffee smell of this room.

Because I'll miss it someday.

And, just read a message from a true friend who said "anytime, anything for you"

Gosh, I am happy.

Pengemis di Antara Pengemis

Sumber : Rahman Arge, Fajar Online Makassar, 06 Jun 2007.

Berbulan-bulan di Jakarta, saya kini ada di Makassar. Pagi-pagi, berdiri seorang perempuan tua di depan rumah saya. Ia memakai sarung plekat kumal, kebaya rombeng, dengan kain kerudung yang nampak sudah lama tak kenal sabun. Sebenarnya, perempuan ini belum tua betul. Wajahnya memberitakan sisa-sisa kemudaan, yang mungkin sudah lama dirampas oleh kemiskinan dan penderitaan. Ia tidak berkata-kata. Tapi sorot matanya berbicara tentang betapa ia butuh sesuatu dari saya.

Tamu-tamu yang saya terima di ruang tamu, saya biarkan menunggu. Sebab bagi saya, ibu yang sedang mengharap sesuatu dari saya, adalah tamu amat terhormat. Almarhum ibu kandung saya selalu berpesan: "Pertama-tama sedekahkan hatimu pada orang yang susah. Beri ia senyum, beri ia keramahan sebelum engkau memberinya sesen-dua-sen!"

Pesan ibu saya itu, hidup dalam batin saya, melalui pembiasa-an diri. Sehingga, bagaimanapun sibuknya saya dengan tetamu, dengan urusan profesi dan karir, berkat pembiasaan-diri itu, mengutamakan pelayanan kepada orang susah. Apalagi jika kebutuhannya mendesak.

Orang sibuk tanpa "hati", mungkin akan memberi orang susah itu "uang". Lalu segera menghalau orang itu. Ia mungkin jengkel dan berkata: "Nah, ambil ini! Dan segera pergi! Pergi! Nah lihat, saya ini sibuk? Haa! " Sang pengemis menerima uang sekadarnya itu, tapi berapa banyak "luka" yang kita goreskan di hati dia? Saat itu, sebenarnya kita telah merampas dari cadangan-harga-diri Si Pengemis melalui pisau-belati lidah kita. Tapi ya, ini memang pembawaan dan sikap-hidup masing-masing orang.

"Tinggal di mana, Bu?" tanya saya pada ibu yang susah itu. "Di Kalukubodoa." jawabnya singkat. "Suami ibu dan anak-anak, dimana?" Dan ia jawab: "Saya janda. Anak tak ada. Suami meninggal. Saya menumpang di bawah kolong rumah orang."

Saya masuk rumah, menyuruh cucu saya yang sudah gadis. Menyiapkan sarung bekas dan baju-baju perempuan. "Ini, kek." Saya bilang sama Si Cucu, serahkan sendiri sama ibu ini. Ini adegan pembiasaan-diri kepada anak dan cucu. "Biasakan memberi", kata saya kepada Cucu, sambil saya mengulangi pesan filosofis almarhum ibu saya: "Memberilah, wahai anakku, karena semakin engkau memberi semakin engkau penuh!"

Saya melirik kepada para tamu saya. Dan saya lihat mereka sudah kesal menanti selesainya kesibukan "remeh-temeh" saya melayani pengemis tua itu.

Perempuan susah itu menerima pemberian cucu saya sambil memeluk bungkusan itu bagaikan memeluk bayi kandungnya. Saya sendiri memberinya uang. Dan isteri saya muncul, memberinya seliter beras. Tiba-tiba ibu pengemis itu terduduk di tanah. Ia menangis. Tanah ini, bumi kita pemberian Tuhan, yang merupakan hak semua kita, dia cium, sambil berkali-kali mengucapkan terima kasih. Ciumannya kepada tanah, seakan langsung ditujukan kepada Tuhan, mensyukuri pembelaan-Nya seperti yang dijanjikan-Nya terhadap orang-orang susah dan miskin.

******

Pembaca, itu sekadar peristiwa kecil yang remeh. Antara pengemis dan kita yang hidupnya agak "lebih". Saya pun bertanya: "Siapakah pengemis di antara saya dan keluarga, dengan pengemis itu?" Paling-paling nilai nominal yang saya berikan kepada pengemis itu, jumlahnya cuma 25-ribuan rupiah. Tapi saya sekeluarga, ber-bahagia sejuta-juta rupiah. Jadi yang "mengemis" itu saya. Saya mengemis dari Pengemis. Mengemis "harga Intrinsik" KEBAHAGIAAN.

*be the love generation

just temporarily...(semoga)..

how can i fall in love again?
when for so long, happiness had meant him
when who i am now is because of him
when all love songs are 'our songs'
when all dreams & fantasies have been shared with him.
when he had heard all of my promises
when he is in all my photos and writings
so tell me how do i dare to fall again?
if you can teach me how
and please do teach me
because i really want to fall
i just don't know how.

the secrets of life

why  study?
our parents put us at the best schools they can afford,
we learn from our life and the people and the news around us to be able to have smart conversations,
we study day and nights to pass the exams, to be proud of ourselves and to make our family proud,
to get a good job,
to make a lot of money, and the story goes on.
But through it all, we study, simply, to realize that there are so many things that we still do not know, that we still need to know.
only stupid people think that they are smart.

why make friends?
the whole point of meeting and learning about so many people from different races, religions, cultures, backgrounds, is just to see that actually we are all the same.

be independent?
we are told to be independent all the time, do your own dishes, wash your own underwear,....
And once the pride kicks in, we take it to another level, we want to make our own money, to have our own life and family, to pay our own bills.

Yet, as hard as you try to be independent, you will find that you can never make it on your own.

And that it is okay to ask for help,

it is okay to feel like a failure and cry in your sleep. it is okay.

the secret of happiness?

extracted from page 31-33 of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho:

A boy arrived to a beautiful castle where the wisest man in the world lived. When the boy asked him what is the secret of happiness, the wise man told the boy to look around the castle for two hours because he did not have enough time right then to explain,

"Meanwhile, I want to ask you to walk around while carrying a spoon of oil"

So the boy went, being so afraid that he would spill the oil that had been entrusted to him, he walked carefully with his eyes fixed on the spoon. When he came back, the wise man asked "Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging on my dining hall? Did you see the beautiful garden?"

The boy was ashamed he did not see any of those, and the wise man sent him off again. This time the boy was awed by the paintings, the gardens, by all the beauty around him, that he did not notice the oil on the spoon had spilled.

When he returned, the wise man said "the secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the oil on the spoon"

 

as always, be the love generation.
Riri,

It's a good day

Sky is clearer, people walk slower, skirts are shorter, sakura is blooming.
Yes, spring is here.

Today I went to the bank to pay some bills, and walked around the center, figured I want new spring shoes and clothes.

It's funny how when you try to forget one kind of feeling, you are even more sensitive to other feelings. I realized I loved how as soon as the green lights were on, hundreds of people around that crossroad, walked simultaneously toward each other, like we were going to crushed into each other and became one. but we didn't.

Anyway, instead of shoes and clothes, I found satay sauce, which made me a lot happier.

I walked around the river again,
they were saying
"wait until you see all the sakura trees have bloomed along this river".
you bet, I'll wait.
even now, when only very few trees have bloomed, still,
it's like there is a spontaneous reaction as your eyes caught that oh-so-romantic colors of sakura.
a spontaneous jump in your heart, your eyes widened and your lips pulled a huge smile.

on the way home in the bus, a grandpa sat behind me, asked whether or not I'm going to the Kinkakuji (silver pavillion). As it was a simple question, I answered in Japanese. And then he kept talking fast in Japanese, and he was saying so many things already that I did not have the heart to tell him that I did not understand what  he was saying. It was obvious he was telling some funny stories about her daughter and Kinkakuji, I really did not understand the rest, but somehow I felt the funniness and laughed all the way with him.

Yes, it's a good day.

To cheer you up, one friend would send crazy dangdut songs and another would give comforting words that actually only made you cry harder.
but as he said,

if you want to cure someone who got poisoned, you have to take the poison out.

so true, ndri.

whether dangdut or sweet words, it works.

I am having a good day.

Thanks...

ow no, he's not my friend, he's just my friendster.

It's time to be thankful again. As of last month, I am a Master degree student in Kyoto University, thanks to the mixture of opportunity, connections, and a naive ambition to help Indonesia's environment. But most of all, it is thanks to God's awfully weird plan for me.

It is true that you are shaped by the place you live in. Everyone knows that Japan can be an extremely lonely place. It is the result of the busy life they have, their high respect for privacy, and all the technologies they have invented to create as little human contact as possible.

It is here that I came to acknowledge that friends are not easy to find.

I thought I am just a nice and friendly person and have this amazing talent of being able to be friends with anyone. But NO! Being in Japan has made me realized that that is really not the case. 
I have said this to some of my bestfriends and I will say it again:

it is a real blessing to meet the people i can talk and share with, the friends i can meet without scheduling appointments - even just for a cup of coffee to get away from the world, the people i can joke around without getting offended, the people i can count on practically any ups and downs.

and a few months here, has taught me to NEVER EVER TAKE YOUR FRIENDS FOR GRANTED.

Last week, I quit my swimming membership and joined the girls basketball club in the university . Last night after practice, I joined the girls for dinner and drinking in a Japanese bar. And at my second glass of beer, I rested my head on the wall and just watched them joke around, and I quietly smiled with relieve.
I finally found the friends I can fit in with.
You see, other friends in my lab are all doctoral program students, they are super nice but also very serious people. But these bball girls, they are extremely relaxed, they would scream and giggle on the "boys" topic, no overdone politeness or anything, and, oh man, they can drink.

 

 

 

Another major thing that Japan is testing me is patience. oh my god. Japan really defines perfectionism in a whole new way. In my most fragile times I do not even want to scream anymore. I just break down into tears. Just when I thought "thank god the entrance exam has passed", now all the forms of scholarship applications are challenging the health of my mind. The interview for Asahi Glass scholarship is coming next week. It is frustrating how they intended this scholarship for foreigners yet we have to give a speech and do interview only in Japanese.

But i guess, now that I am here, I have to play the game by their rules.

For those of you who are interested in Japan, I have a new blog here. Don't worry, it is more of Japan and less of me.

*be the love generation!
RiRi

The Notebook (2004)

Noah    :I'm gonna ask you one more time, will you